Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
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WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
He just like my cat fr
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
found this cool rock hiking today
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room