Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
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Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.