Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
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DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
I cannot call her anything else now
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.