Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
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I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”