Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
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me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?