me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
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I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
dads on road-trips be like
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!