Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
You Might Also Like
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Midwest trash talk
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out