Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
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My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat