ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
they finally got him. they got macavity
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call