Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
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Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
#Caturday
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.