Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
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[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”