Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

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Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.


Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse


Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…


How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?


If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.


I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit


co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”


I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.


Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.