@Storminika

Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”

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@simoncholland

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

@riot4rach

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse

@Shira

Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…

@OhNoSheTwitnt

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

@JeffLoveness

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

@LuvPug

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

@KeetPotato

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

@Not_From_Troy

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.