Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
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A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
A family that plays together cheats.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe