Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
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Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I found your tweet-up…
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
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Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*