Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
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Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
All set.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.