me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
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🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.