Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
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My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.