Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
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On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My dad teaching me to drive
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man