Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
You Might Also Like
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Doctors texting each other.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Hitlers gonna hitl
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?