me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
This has made my week.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok