@benedictsred

Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.

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@iamjohnsarris

Reasons to carry a handkerchief:

3) You’ve never heard of tissues

2) You’re doing a magic trick

1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train

@gavinprobably

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

@badbanana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

@OrdinaryAlso

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.

@Parkerlawyer

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

@weinerdog4life

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters