Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
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On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.