Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
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everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
*seductively eats two tums*
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.