When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
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A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.