ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

You Might Also Like


When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.


A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.


My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high


Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.


Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?


[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.


[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark


Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…


Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.


I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.