ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
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It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Just a friendly reminder!
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.