@Brampersandon_

ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough

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@skittle624

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

@kimtopher22

A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.

@XennDad

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

@briancthayer

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

@MrEd_EVH

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

@iGreenGod

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

@boyswearmugler

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

@MolotovJohnny

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

@Dawn_M_

Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.

@MomOnFire

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.