Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
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[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.