Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.

if my sleeping schedule was a person

If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.

Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away

Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?

Me: Yeah, in a minute

4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.

They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little

Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.