Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
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Put this video in the Louvre
beware of dog
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.