Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
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what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”