ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
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drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Message from the dog groomers
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.