me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
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I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Risking my life for fun.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?