Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
🍞🦆
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
my dog when i have a friend over
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.