me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
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Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…