Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.