me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
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If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
😂 amazing answer
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic