Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
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Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
barbara was highly relatable
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Netflix and you sit over there.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”