Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
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I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?