Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
A short story of betrayal:
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.