@RobMakesComics

Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*

Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th

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@ColoradoUgly

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.

@LouisPeitzman

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

@UncleDuke1969

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

@iRowlf

All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?

Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.

@Hello___Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

@briangaar

Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”

@SoLongStephen

“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!