Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
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I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
The pasta is now
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️