ME *enters new password*


M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…


Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?


[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster


[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]


Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what


I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed


WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically

^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats


The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.


MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point