@TheFigen Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
@ArfMeasures ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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@TheFigen 
@MolotovJohnny Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
@Cornjerker78 Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
@notacroc [at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
@TheRobCee [labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
@Book_Krazy Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
@radscientist_ I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
@Shanomenonandon WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
@TheBoydP The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
@girlfr0g MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point