ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
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Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*