Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
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We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
#Caturday
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked