ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
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Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.