Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
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It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I love it all
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
😏😏😏
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me: