Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help