me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
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FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they鈥檙e out front and freak them out.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I鈥檒l put up with literally anything
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I鈥檝e been berry naughty!
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
馃ぃ
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.