Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
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I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*