ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
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Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!