Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
They must have gotten it to go.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.