Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
.. do you even science?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever