me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
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I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal