me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
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Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,