Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
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“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]