@UncleDuke1969 “I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
@DanMentos me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
You Might Also Like
@UncleDuke1969 
@meganamram Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
@Marcmywords2 Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
@HatfieldAnne “Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
@weinerdog4life Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
@markedly [christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
@girlontapas My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
@VeryLonelyLuke Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
@liamoryan Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open