@DanMentos

me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.

@HatfieldAnne

“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”

@markedly

[christmas morning]

ME: I have no gifts to bring

EVERYONE: booooo

ME: …pa rum pum pum pum

EVERYONE: yayyyyyy

@VeryLonelyLuke

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

@liamoryan

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open