– Beat Cop
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
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Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
ME: I have no gifts to bring
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open