Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
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this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
When someone trying to leave me
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”